Black Hurt by Thessa Solita Andrade

Black Hurt

I have created arson out of my emotions
I have set people and ideas on fire in my mind
I have burned the peace between the crevasses of my eyes
I no longer wish to see myself bleed through the words black men speak so shortly and so plainly

What happened to our love, our passion
What happened
What happened to the company we shared so intimately with each other
I was supposed to be the dark chocolate that was good for your heart
Now I am just left in the dark, without the part, of being your lover, your significant other
And I’m sorry your mother, was not there for you
To care for you
And I’m sorry the others did not bother to be there for you
To be fair to you
But I will not be sorry any longer
It is not fair to me
To be categorized as a black woman who couldn’t love you
Stereotypical thoughts of a black man
Was I too woman for you?

I loved you
No, I loved you enough
Slightly more than you deserved
You would curve what I preserved so tenderly to serve to you
My time, my effort
The nerve you had in silencing me with space
Because you could not face what could not be erased, the troubles between us
You did not want to communicate, keep it straight, with me.
I wished to correct my flaws
You wished to watch my fall
I had to hold the weight of what was hated by me
I never really had a chance
You would skate, or reply late
And my tears fell early

I loved you
I Wanted you

But you,
You wanted easy
You wanted white snow
That would melt to the heat of your commands
You wanted white cotton
That I didn’t pick
But would soften every time you demanded
The Unreasonable
You wanted cream, it was less bitter than coffee
You wanted white walls that you could paint with your low expectations
You did not want me
You wanted controlled, calm, and colonized
You said, you wanted heaven
I did not know I was hell

And because of you
I have generalized a whole race of men
And because of you

I have created arson out of my emotions
My heart has become as dark as my skin
This black is not beautiful
And your unreciprocated love,
is now my darkest sin.
I fell for you and I haven’t gotten up since

This poem was written by @thess_thess and performed at the Black History Love event on February 18, 2017 in Brockton, Massachusetts.

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